the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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