He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
