I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
