it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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