I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
