I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
