I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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