Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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