i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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