rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
