don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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