I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
