What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
