i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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