Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
