Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
