I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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