did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
