Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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