I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
