shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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