Can i not drive my cunt home
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
