Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
