i already hear my dad disowning me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
