i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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