Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Acid is not a monday night drug
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
