I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
