Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
