my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
