peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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