Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
