I wish I could punch you in the face.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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