whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
