I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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