dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
