Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ttyl tear gas
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
