I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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