i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
