So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
