i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
