I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
