bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
