saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize