it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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