Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
