just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
