Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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