you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
