there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
