Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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