Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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