He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
