she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
