you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
