She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
