i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
