bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
