i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
