There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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