So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
