I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
