If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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