So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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