Im at strip club and am horny
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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