Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize