I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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