plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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