ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
