Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
