I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize