Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
